BY DAVID O'BRIEN
The teachings of the Catholic Church on children and contraception are clear according to the Catechism:
"After the fourth baby," Agnes explained, "Jake announced that we needed to change our family planning. He wanted to be a good father and husband, and he couldn’t see how that could happen if we continued to have more children. In short, he was getting a vasectomy."
Both Agnes and Jake are committed, practicing Catholics who orientate their lives around God and the Church. Agnes has even worked in various Church ministries since before their marriage.
Clear about the church’s teaching and the sinfulness of something as drastic as birth control through surgery, Agnes dug her heels in.
How could she be an authentic witness to the gospel, "if within my marriage, I was no longer open to life? How could I minister to other women and encourage them to be bold in their faith if I wasn’t living it myself? And what do I teach my children about marriage and sex when their father and I weren’t aligned?"
She admitted: "At first, I cried. Then I yelled. Then I argued, calmly and intelligently. Then I cried some more. I shared with my husband excerpts from Kippley’s Sex and the Marriage Covenant and the encyclical, Humanae Vitae. We listened to Christopher West and Scott Hahn in the car. I reached out to every resource I had, but my husband was unchanging."
After fighting a quiet battle over this for a year, she explained, "we were exhausted. One night, I cried through the night. At 5:00 a.m. there was a sudden and unexpected thunderstorm. In my mind, the raindrops were God’s tears and I sensed the Lord was with me. Then I heard in my ears- as if God had a human voice- the words, ‘I am in a broken marriage too.’"
From that moment on, Agnes told me, her attitude changed. "I thought about how much we-the Church, the bride of Christ-hurt our Lord. How we ignore Him, dishonor Him and behave in ways that do so much damage. And yet, He never holds back. He comes to us, over and over again, giving us his body without bitterness or manipulation. His love remains faithful and unchanging."
Agnes resolved after that to try to be more like Christ in her marriage.
"I can’t change my husband and in many ways, I don’t want to. He’s an honest, strong, loving man and father. I would never choose another. All I can do is keep my vows to love and honor him all the days of my life; to give myself to him and lovingly receive him, just as Christ does with His beloved, the Church."
She concluded: "To destroy our marriage would have meant killing the life we have been given. So instead, I offer it up. I lift up our marriage, our intimacy, and our continued conversion to God who knows our hearts and our failings, and who loves us with a perfect love."
"Fecundity is a gift...for conjugal love naturally tends to be fruitful. (2366) Called to give life, spouses share in the creative power and fatherhood of God. Married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life and to educate their children; they should realize that they are thereby cooperating with the love of God the Creator and are, in a certain sense, its interpreters. (2367)
For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. (2368) ...methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. In contrast, every action which...proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible is intrinsically evil: Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other." (2370)In this context, I listened to a friend, Agnes, recount her ongoing struggles in her marriage to Jake. Since marrying Jake less than five years ago, Agnes has conceived and delivered four children.
"After the fourth baby," Agnes explained, "Jake announced that we needed to change our family planning. He wanted to be a good father and husband, and he couldn’t see how that could happen if we continued to have more children. In short, he was getting a vasectomy."
Both Agnes and Jake are committed, practicing Catholics who orientate their lives around God and the Church. Agnes has even worked in various Church ministries since before their marriage.
Clear about the church’s teaching and the sinfulness of something as drastic as birth control through surgery, Agnes dug her heels in.
How could she be an authentic witness to the gospel, "if within my marriage, I was no longer open to life? How could I minister to other women and encourage them to be bold in their faith if I wasn’t living it myself? And what do I teach my children about marriage and sex when their father and I weren’t aligned?"
She admitted: "At first, I cried. Then I yelled. Then I argued, calmly and intelligently. Then I cried some more. I shared with my husband excerpts from Kippley’s Sex and the Marriage Covenant and the encyclical, Humanae Vitae. We listened to Christopher West and Scott Hahn in the car. I reached out to every resource I had, but my husband was unchanging."
After fighting a quiet battle over this for a year, she explained, "we were exhausted. One night, I cried through the night. At 5:00 a.m. there was a sudden and unexpected thunderstorm. In my mind, the raindrops were God’s tears and I sensed the Lord was with me. Then I heard in my ears- as if God had a human voice- the words, ‘I am in a broken marriage too.’"
From that moment on, Agnes told me, her attitude changed. "I thought about how much we-the Church, the bride of Christ-hurt our Lord. How we ignore Him, dishonor Him and behave in ways that do so much damage. And yet, He never holds back. He comes to us, over and over again, giving us his body without bitterness or manipulation. His love remains faithful and unchanging."
Agnes resolved after that to try to be more like Christ in her marriage.
"I can’t change my husband and in many ways, I don’t want to. He’s an honest, strong, loving man and father. I would never choose another. All I can do is keep my vows to love and honor him all the days of my life; to give myself to him and lovingly receive him, just as Christ does with His beloved, the Church."
She concluded: "To destroy our marriage would have meant killing the life we have been given. So instead, I offer it up. I lift up our marriage, our intimacy, and our continued conversion to God who knows our hearts and our failings, and who loves us with a perfect love."
 | About David O’Brien David O’Brien is the Associate Director of Religious Education for Lay Ministry for the Archdiocese of Mobile. His column, Everyday Faith, appears regularly in the archdiocesan newspaper, the Catholic Week. Email David at dobrien@mobilearchdiocese.org. |
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