BY DAVID O’BRIEN
When someone dies, especially when the death is sudden, tragic and unexpected as in the case of Father Ernie Hyndman, there are always lots of questions. How could this happen? Was there something I could’ve done to prevent this? What went wrong? Why didn’t God intervene? How could God allow this?
In times of tragedy, it is important to recognize the nature of grief, how it operates, what to expect and how to cope.
Grief strikes everyone and not just at times of death. People grieve the loss of health, becoming empty nesters, moving away from friends and family, failed relationships, the loss of a beloved pet, a job change, retirement, the loss of a sense of security after a trauma, just to name a few. If the loss is more signifi cant, the grief usually is too.
A friend of mine was raped and she grieved the loss of her independence. For over a year, and sometimes still, she feels very fearful in situations where she once felt totally in control.
After my own broken wedding engagement, I struggled to build a new social life. I had to let go of the life we built together over nine years and create new friendships, new ways to fill my time and a new life as a single man.
The five stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her seminal book "On Death and Dying", include: Denial-"There’s been a mistake"; Anger- "Why? Who is to blame?"; Bargaining-"Take this away and I’ll do..."; Depression-"There’s no reason to go on"; and Acceptance-"I’m at peace and choose to live today."
While these stages are generally accepted, there are no set ways a person must go through them. How one grieves is unique and personal. Some people cry, others don’t. Some process a major loss quickly while some take years. But whatever the timetable, healing cannot be forced or hurried. Even after years, a fl ood of grief can overwhelm a person. Oftentimes this happens at events like family gatherings, a wedding, the birth of a baby, or the deaths of loved ones.
Guilt for things unsaid or deeds undone often accompanies grief. After a long illness, one might even feel guilty for experiencing relief or fears about what to do or feel now. All of these are normal and a part of the journey through grief.
The key to negotiating grief is to avoid shutting down or running from it. If angry, then be angry. Sad, cry your eyes out. Need to talk, call up a good friend, a counselor or a priest. Whatever helps, do it and do not be ashamed. Loss hurts and grieving is how God designed us to deal with that pain.
My sister who lost her husband to cancer at 29 years of age sunk herself into her work and raising the kids for the first 10 years after his death. Only recently has she chosen to engage the grieving process. As a family, we tried to support her without saying things like "You should be over this by now" or "Why don’t you get remarried?" She, like everyone else, must travel the path of grief as best she can.
Adopting destructive behaviors to cope with grief like isolating, medicating the pain, or excessive eating or drinking can create long term problems. Grief will pass if we face it but these behaviors can linger for years.
Two key strategies can help with grief.
First, do not grieve alone. Find support through people who will listen without judgment or agenda. Our Catholic community provides counseling, meaningful prayers, rituals and scriptures, grief groups and the comfort of the Lord’s abiding presence in the Eucharist. (www.acc-seattle.org/resources/grief.htm) There is no better place to grieve, cry, wail, and search for answers than in front of Christ in the Eucharist.
Secondly, take care of yourself by sleeping, exercising and eating enough but not too much. Give yourself permission to take the time to grieve and be emotional when necessary. And don’t allow anyone to tell you how or how long to grieve.
In the end, we believe that God is present and in control of everything including life, death, final judgment, and the plan for our lives after a terrible loss. Jesus faced loss in his life. His father Joseph died. So did his friend Lazarus. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he confronted his own impending doom. And like Him, we will rise again. With God’s help, we will come out on the other side of grief knowing something about life, ourselves and God that we didn’t know before. Seek the Lord and trust in Him. He can even be found in the pain of grief and loss.
When someone dies, especially when the death is sudden, tragic and unexpected as in the case of Father Ernie Hyndman, there are always lots of questions. How could this happen? Was there something I could’ve done to prevent this? What went wrong? Why didn’t God intervene? How could God allow this?
In times of tragedy, it is important to recognize the nature of grief, how it operates, what to expect and how to cope.
Grief strikes everyone and not just at times of death. People grieve the loss of health, becoming empty nesters, moving away from friends and family, failed relationships, the loss of a beloved pet, a job change, retirement, the loss of a sense of security after a trauma, just to name a few. If the loss is more signifi cant, the grief usually is too.
A friend of mine was raped and she grieved the loss of her independence. For over a year, and sometimes still, she feels very fearful in situations where she once felt totally in control.
After my own broken wedding engagement, I struggled to build a new social life. I had to let go of the life we built together over nine years and create new friendships, new ways to fill my time and a new life as a single man.
The five stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her seminal book "On Death and Dying", include: Denial-"There’s been a mistake"; Anger- "Why? Who is to blame?"; Bargaining-"Take this away and I’ll do..."; Depression-"There’s no reason to go on"; and Acceptance-"I’m at peace and choose to live today."
While these stages are generally accepted, there are no set ways a person must go through them. How one grieves is unique and personal. Some people cry, others don’t. Some process a major loss quickly while some take years. But whatever the timetable, healing cannot be forced or hurried. Even after years, a fl ood of grief can overwhelm a person. Oftentimes this happens at events like family gatherings, a wedding, the birth of a baby, or the deaths of loved ones.
Guilt for things unsaid or deeds undone often accompanies grief. After a long illness, one might even feel guilty for experiencing relief or fears about what to do or feel now. All of these are normal and a part of the journey through grief.
The key to negotiating grief is to avoid shutting down or running from it. If angry, then be angry. Sad, cry your eyes out. Need to talk, call up a good friend, a counselor or a priest. Whatever helps, do it and do not be ashamed. Loss hurts and grieving is how God designed us to deal with that pain.
My sister who lost her husband to cancer at 29 years of age sunk herself into her work and raising the kids for the first 10 years after his death. Only recently has she chosen to engage the grieving process. As a family, we tried to support her without saying things like "You should be over this by now" or "Why don’t you get remarried?" She, like everyone else, must travel the path of grief as best she can.
Adopting destructive behaviors to cope with grief like isolating, medicating the pain, or excessive eating or drinking can create long term problems. Grief will pass if we face it but these behaviors can linger for years.
Two key strategies can help with grief.
First, do not grieve alone. Find support through people who will listen without judgment or agenda. Our Catholic community provides counseling, meaningful prayers, rituals and scriptures, grief groups and the comfort of the Lord’s abiding presence in the Eucharist. (www.acc-seattle.org/resources/grief.htm) There is no better place to grieve, cry, wail, and search for answers than in front of Christ in the Eucharist.
Secondly, take care of yourself by sleeping, exercising and eating enough but not too much. Give yourself permission to take the time to grieve and be emotional when necessary. And don’t allow anyone to tell you how or how long to grieve.
In the end, we believe that God is present and in control of everything including life, death, final judgment, and the plan for our lives after a terrible loss. Jesus faced loss in his life. His father Joseph died. So did his friend Lazarus. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he confronted his own impending doom. And like Him, we will rise again. With God’s help, we will come out on the other side of grief knowing something about life, ourselves and God that we didn’t know before. Seek the Lord and trust in Him. He can even be found in the pain of grief and loss.
 | About David O’Brien David O’Brien is the Associate Director of Religious Education for Lay Ministry for the Archdiocese of Mobile. His column, Everyday Faith, appears regularly in the archdiocesan newspaper, the Catholic Week. Email David at dobrien@mobilearchdiocese.org. |
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